Friday, 11 September 2009

  • Life As Two People

    My last post was quite the departure from my usual. I apologize, and thank you for your grace.

    I've learned quite a bit about myself recently. Namely that I am two people.

    There is a part of me that is deficient, emotional, impatient, imprudent, and just not quite adult. He gets his feelings hurt easily, wants constant affirmation, and essentially is that guy that we all know and... well... tolerate, because he is genuinely fun to hang out with when he's not being a jerk. In these past few months, this part of me has reacted to the stresses around me, and threatened to turn me into a full-time jerk.

    Then there is another part of me, and I thank God for this. While the other part of me is on overdrive, pouting and complaining and having a fit, this part of me says "Okay, let's take a step back and analyze what is going on. Why are we acting like this?" While it doesn't completely stop the other side of me from coming out occasionally, it does at least let me explain myself and learn where I need to eliminate a piece of that other part of me...

    Because that other part of me is generally my father, and while I enjoy being a fun and charismatic guy like he is, I refuse to let that part of me get in the way of my being a Godly man, a Godly husband and father.

    In order for me, as a man, to be able to lead my lovely future wife in a Godly relationship... I need to stay calm, controlled, pragmatic...

    Like my mom.

    Oh, the irony.

Friday, 28 August 2009

Monday, 13 July 2009

Thursday, 18 June 2009

  • Is it me?

    When I'm with her, and she is awake and alert and there, I am sure of us. I think "that is the woman I'd like to be with for the rest of my life" in those moments. She is cracking silly jokes and putting all kinds of random tunes on from her iPod to my stereo. She is playing tic-tac-toe with me on a couch at a concert venue, as two acoustic guitars and two punk kids craft fairly memorable melodies. She is smiling, then thoughtful, then poignant. She is looking at me with those deep soulful eyes, looking for something, and I hope and pray that she's finding whatever it is she is looking for. She is beauty, and she is what I want. I don't care about the blemishes. I don't care about the scars. I love them because they are her.

    It is the other moments that make me unsure. The moments where she is tired, exhausted and silent, and she just wants me to be there. The moments of space and silence and boredom, when my mind tells me I should be with someone more fun and active. The moments in front of the television, or with her sister hovering near, when I think I'll never truly have her. The moments when we're together, but she is having an ongoing text conversation with four other people. The moments she has made plans to go here or there, and desperately wants to reschedule our time, "because we have the rest of our lives to be together".

    The moments that she has chosen another over me.
    The moments where I am alone with my thoughts.
    The moments where I am sure the grass may be greener on the other side.

    These moments create distance between my heart and hers. At first I thought we were both equally to blame, but now I'm not so sure. It is the moments I am alone that create the doubt. It is the moments of silence that make me unsure. When it is just me, and my pride, and my insecurities, there are problems...

    Which leads me to believe that I am the problem.

Thursday, 28 May 2009

  • There was a time...

    There was a time when this blog was the world's window into my mind, my heart, and my spirit. I would completely open my thoughts to the unassuming populace of Xanga, in hopes that someone would understand or be helped, or at least entertained. I thought that my unhindered honesty was quite the virtue, that others wished they could be as open as me. I felt sorry for those who merely posted abstract thoughts or the occasional life update.

    The times, though... they are a-changin'. I am realizing the value of a few good, close friends. I am seeing the wisdom in seeking quality friendships rather than a higher quantity. I am changing.

    This blog has suffered for it . For this I apologize.

bigpirate64

  • Visit bigpirate64's Xanga Site
    • Name: Richard
    • Country: United States
    • State: Arizona
    • Metro: Phoenix
    • Birthday: 12/19/1983
    • Gender: Male
    • Member Since: 9/21/2004

Hello, my name is Richard.

  • I am a music geek. I love Jesus with all of my heart. I have a passion for missions, and music, and working with youth and college students. I graduated from college with a degree in history this past August. I don't know what the future holds. I know Who holds the future. I want to be your friend. I enjoy life. I love facing and conquering fears. I will be single until I meet the woman God has set apart to be my "Ezer Kenegdo", and then I will sweep her off her feet and romance her till the day I die. I will play guitar for God until my fingers fall off, and then clap my nubs in praise. I will sing for God until my voice is but a whisper... and then I will whisper as loud as I can. I will live for God until this life is over... and then be with Him forever. I am in Arizona, working as a "worship resident" at Central for the next 15 months. It's gonna be sweet!

Where would you like to go?